The Eight Days of Chanukah

    (Note: The words "my true love" can be replaced with the Yiddish "mein Liebhen.")

    On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          6 pickled herrings
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          7 noodle kugels
          6 pickled herrings
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          8 Alka- Seltzer
          7 noodle kugels
          6 pickled herrings
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful

Chanukablanca.
"Play it again, Sam" - H. Bogart, Casablanca
by Joe Hample (sung to the tune of "As Time Goes By" from "Casablanca")

You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.

With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As time goes by.

Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes someone has to grate.
One flame in the window,
keep counting till there's eight
To light the winter sky.

In the Bronx or in the Mission,
It's still the same tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.

Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Semitic glories to relate.
Blue-and-white giftwrap, ain't this country great,
And festive chazerai!
It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
December's when I feel most Jewish,
As time goes by. 

The Origin of the Dreidel
The dreidel game originally had nothing to do with Hanukkah; it has been played by various people in various languages for many centuries.

In England and Ireland there is a game called totum or teetotum that is especially popular at Christmastime. In English, this game is first mentioned as "totum" ca. 1500-1520. The name comes from the Latin "totum," which means "all." By 1720, the game was called T- totum or teetotum, and by 1801 the four letters already represented four words in English: T = Take all; H = Half; P = Put down; and N = Nothing.

Our Eastern European game of dreidel (including the letters nun, gimmel, hey, shin) is directly based on the German equivalent of the totum game: N = Nichts = nothing; G = Ganz = all; H = Halb = half; and S = Stell ein = put in. In German, the spinning top was called a "torrel" or "trundl," and in Yiddish it was called a "dreidel," a "fargl," a "varfl" [= something thrown], "shtel ein" [= put in], and "gor, gorin" [= all].

When Hebrew was revived as a spoken language, the dreidel was called, among other names, a sevivon, which is the one that caught on.

Thus the dreidel game represents an irony of Jewish history. In order to celebrate the holiday of Hanukkah, which celebrates our victory over cultural assimilation, we play the dreidel game, which is an excellent example of cultural assimilation! Of course, there is a world of difference between imitating non-Jewish games and worshipping idols, but the irony remains nonetheless.