Short Jokes about Chanukah

 

Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Mel Brooks

 


Jokes about Chanukah
The Eight Days of Chanukah

    (Note: The words "my true love" can be replaced with the Yiddish "mein Liebhen.")

    On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          6 pickled herrings
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          7 noodle kugels
          6 pickled herrings
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

    On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
          8 Alka- Seltzer
          7 noodle kugels
          6 pickled herrings
          5 bowls of chicken soup
          4 potato latkes
          3 pounds of corned beef
          2 Kosher pickles and
          Lox, bagels and some cream cheese

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Chrisnukah Subject: Major Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful


Top Ten Hanukkah Holiday Rentals
The figures are finally in. The top 10 movie rental over the Hanukkah holiday vacation were:

10) Three Men And A Bubbie
9) A Few Hood Mentches
8) The Cohenheads
7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
6) Shalom Alone
5) Goyz `N The Hood
4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
3) The Wizard Of Oys
2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
1) Prelude To A Bris

Top Ten Reasons to Like Chanukah

10. No roof damage from reindeer.
9. Never a silent night when you're among Jewish loved ones.
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it.
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races.
6. You can use your fireplace.
5. Spin-the-dreidel games.
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah.
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth.
2. Cheer optional.
1. No Irving Berlin songs.
Chanukablanca.
"Play it again, Sam" - H. Bogart, Casablanca
by Joe Hample (sung to the tune of "As Time Goes By" from "Casablanca")

You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.

With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As time goes by.

Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes someone has to grate.
One flame in the window,
keep counting till there's eight
To light the winter sky.

In the Bronx or in the Mission,
It's still the same tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.

Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Semitic glories to relate.
Blue-and-white giftwrap, ain't this country great,
And festive chazerai!
It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
December's when I feel most Jewish,
As time goes by. 

Chanukah Gifts
Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John.
"Where did you get that?" John asked
"I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan.
"Whatís Hanukkah?" John asked.
"Itís a Jewish holiday, where we get presents every night for eight nights,
to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed.
The next day, on the way to school, John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got.
He sees that Stan is upset,
"What's wrong? Where's your present from last night?" asks John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, ďIt was leftovers night."
Chanukah Mailing
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "Oh my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
Latkes
It was Hanukkah and the tiny village was in fear of not having any latkes because
they had run out of flour.
Rudi, the rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, "Don't worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will
be just as delicious!"
Shela looked to her husband and said, "Mortey...you think it'll work?" and
Mortey said, "Of course! Everybody knows.........................
Rudolph, the Rab, knows grain dear!"

The Origin of the Dreidel
The dreidel game originally had nothing to do with Hanukkah; it has been played by various people in various languages for many centuries. In England and Ireland there is a game called totum or teetotum that is especially popular at Christmastime. In English, this game is first mentioned as "totum" ca. 1500-1520. The name comes from the Latin "totum," which means "all." By 1720, the game was called T- totum or teetotum, and by 1801 the four letters already represented four words in English: T = Take all; H = Half; P = Put down; and N = Nothing. Our Eastern European game of dreidel (including the letters nun, gimmel, hey, shin) is directly based on the German equivalent of the totum game: N = Nichts = nothing; G = Ganz = all; H = Halb = half; and S = Stell ein = put in. In German, the spinning top was called a "torrel" or "trundl," and in Yiddish it was called a "dreidel," a "fargl," a "varfl" [= something thrown], "shtel ein" [= put in], and "gor, gorin" [= all]. When Hebrew was revived as a spoken language, the dreidel was called, among other names, a sevivon, which is the one that caught on. Thus the dreidel game represents an irony of Jewish history. In order to celebrate the holiday of Hanukkah, which celebrates our victory over cultural assimilation, we play the dreidel game, which is an excellent example of cultural assimilation! Of course, there is a world of difference between imitating non-Jewish games and worshipping idols, but the irony remains nonetheless.


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