A Jewish man went to the races for the first time. Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went to the paddock to take a look.
  He saw a rabbi blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the number and placed a $2 bet. Sure enough, the horse won, and the man won $20.
  He went down to the paddock again, and again the rabbi was blessing another horse. He wrote down the number, bet his $20, and again, the horse won, earning $100.
  This went on, race after race, until the Jewish man had won $5000. Just before the last race, he watched the rabbi bless another horse. He bet the whole $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last.
  He ran down and yelled to the rabbi, "Why did every horse you bless win, except the last one? He came in dead last!!! "
  The rabbi replied, "That's the problem with you Reform Jews .. you don't know the difference between a brucha and kaddish."

Mezuza Protection
 
   A wealthy Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with
over 50 rooms.
   He brings in a local workman to decorate the
place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but
realizes that he's forgotten something to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the
decorator to place them on an angle on the right hand side of
each door except bathrooms and kitchens.

  He's really worried that the decorator will chip
the paint work or won't put the mezuzahs up correctly. However,
when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has
been carried out beautifully.

 He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a !
bonus. 
 As the decorator is walking out of the door he
says : "Glad you're happy with the job, mon. By the way, I
took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on
the table for you...

Short Jewish Jokes

Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For
His Citizenship Papers.
  He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate"
  He Spelled It Correctly.
  He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
  He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A
Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I
Took The Subvay Home."


    Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one
afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
    Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you
know I don't swim so well."
    Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer
from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.
    So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally
about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, 
   "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
   Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a
time to be asking for money!"

   Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ?
   A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck!


   A man is lying on the operating table, about
to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father
says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."


   A Jewish businessman warned his son against
marrying a "shiksa." 
   The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
   "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A
shiksa will cause problems."
   After the wedding, the father called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
   "It's Shabbos," the son replied.
   The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our
busiest day."
    "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, 
"because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
   "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems."

Hebrew Bugs

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.
"How was your summer?" asks
 bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta
rain, lotta cold. Not
enough flowers, not enough pollen."
 
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go
down the corner and hang a
left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of
flowers and fruit." Bee two
buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
 
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's
that on your head?" "A
yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once,
on Yom Kippur, he left
the house early and went out for a quick nine holes
by himself. An angel who
happened to be looking on immediately notified his
superiors that a grievous
sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole,
G-d caused a mighty
wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the
cup for a miraculous and
dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified.

"Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"

"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he
tell?"

The Night Before Chanukah
 

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and
maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!

 
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
 
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.


When he got to the door and saw the menorah
"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."


With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"


He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
he called out cheerily into the wind.


More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
"A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"


Anon 

An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus
stop in Brooklyn. She tugs
on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn
Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot time is it?"



Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know
tonight is Kol Nidre, but
tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi,
I'm a lifelong Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs
are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol
Nidre"?



This is a little-known tale of how G-d came to
give us the Ten Commandments.
G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them
if they would like a Commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT
ADULTERY," replied G-d.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said,
"No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them
if they would like a commandment. 
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-d, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our
economy."
So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them
if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-D said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."



Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel,
and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US. 
Berel says,  "When I move to America,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call
me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also
have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving."


It is teeming rain in the flood plain of
the Mississippi valley, and the rising river
begins to threaten all manner of private homes,
including of the local Rabbi. 
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with
police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi,
let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident
He will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at
which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his
house. A second police rowboat
comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us
evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced
up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the
officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up!
You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in
the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off
the roof, carried away in the current and drowns.
 He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gate
he is admitted, and comes before the Divine
Presence. The Rabbi asks,
"Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous,
observant person my whole life, and depended on You 
to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?"
And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and
a helicopter.
What more do you want?"


A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas
comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is
a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog
in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a
Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in
the same way that a
St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its
neck this dog has a tallis
bag round its neck. "Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas,
"absolutely amazing, incredible!
You should take him to Hollywood, get him on
television, get him in the
movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to
be a dentist

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator
and asks, in broken English with a heavy
Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266419.
A short time later, someone knocks, and when he
opens the door he sees 2 beautiful and sexy girls who
asked him:  Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew
University: "The future
of the Jewish people is in your hands."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she
was on jury duty.
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Shul committees should be made up of three
members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and
orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays.

Don't be humble; you are not that great. I have
enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

The time is at hand when the wearing of a
prayer shawl and skullcap will 
not bar a man from the White House, unless, of
course, the man is Jewish.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New
York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana,
you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could
discuss his use of the family car. His
father took him into his study and said, "I'll
make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a
little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and
again asked his father if they could discuss his use of
the car. They again went into the
father's study where the father said- "Son,
I've been very proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied the Talmud
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, 
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about
that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The
rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.

"Tradition...Tradition...
"During a service at an old synagogue in
Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up
and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started
yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones
standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
 The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do. 
His congregation suggested that he consult a
homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the
original founders of their temple. 
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him
what the actual temple tradition was. So he
went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the
congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the
old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old
man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers
sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man
answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old
man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about
whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming,
"THAT is our tradition!"

Chinese food

A Hebrew teacher stood in  front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year  as a people.  Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their  4,692nd year as a people.   
Now what does it mean to you?"After a moment of  silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What  does it mean? "
"Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without  Chinese food for 1,067 years." 

JEWISH MOTHERS
1.The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women 
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to 
the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. 
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates 
from medical school. 

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
  A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 

4. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Pr incess horror movie? 
  It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.' 

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
  A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. 

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
  A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, 
she replied, 'So did my arthritis.' 

8. A man called his mother in Florida , 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,' 
said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' 
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. 
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because 
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.' 

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a 
part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says, 
'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 
'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.' 

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
  A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
  A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to 
be a nuisance to anybody. 

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. 

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street 
and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied. 

14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
  A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 

15. Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.' 

16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
  A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he  turned to leave, using a cane 
and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 

'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.  What's your name?   
'Morris Fishbein,' he replied. 

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall  and praying?' 

'For about 60 years.'      '60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray  for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.'   
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred  to stop.   
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as  responsible adults, 
and to love their fellow man.' 

'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

'Like I'm talking to a wall. 

Why Jewish Women Like Chinese Food
 
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
 women like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that
 this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is
 Not Now.
 


Grandma Gives Elbow Directions to Grandson

 A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson
 who was coming to visit with his wife:

 "You come to the front door of the apartment complex.  I
 am in apartment 14T.  There is a big panel at the door.
 With your elbow push button 14T.  I will buzz you in.  Come
 inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with
 your elbow hit 14.  When you get out I am on the left.
 With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

 "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these
 buttons with my elbow"?

 "You're coming empty handed?"

 Q: How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw
    in a light bulb?
 A: What? And wreck my nails?
 A: Two. One to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and
    the other to call Daddy. 

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

 The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

 The old Jew doesn't answer.

 "Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time  is it?"

 The old Jew still doesn't answer.

 "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I
 really want to know what time it is. Why won't you
 answer me?"

 The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this
 route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I
 answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must
 invite you to my home.

 You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will
 both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell
 me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a
 watch?" 

The Jewish Widow And The Butcher.

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His
 widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the
 people of the town decided that she ought to get
 married again.

 But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor
 was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat
 dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the
 butcher had no great formal education. However, she was
 lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

 After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah
 (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she
 went home to prepare to light the candles.

 The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Hana,
 told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the
 candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

 She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My
 father,Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles
 it's good to have sex." So they did.

 They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they
 awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said
 that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have
 sex." So they did.

 After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again
 he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says
 after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

 On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend
 who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

 She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from
 a wonderful family...

The President of a congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.He said,"Rabbi, the board just voted 10 to 4 to wish you a speedy recovery."

The Execution Joke
Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn. Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew. "Strawberries!!! They aren’t even in season!" "So, I'll wait…"